The Most Offensive Story Ever Told
by xxXPantiesInTheOvenXxx
Summary: Read if you dare.


Demon Roots

The Greatest Story Ever Told: Or, if you don't give us a Nobel you're fucking stupid

Nakami brushed a lock of spiky crimson, blue-green hair that was clearly more special than yours out of her glittering amber eyes. She gazed at the mundane hordes of clearly less interesting people as she made her way to the Sunshine School of Smiles and Dreams…and Dentristy. It was Nakami's dream to be a member of the order of the silken night. But first she had to endure the trials of First hour Macroeconomics with Mr. Dennison.

She sat down at her desk just as the bell rang. It was the first day of school, and it showed in the glum faces of her peers. She slowly turned her head and glassed the class room; next to her was a barrel-chested lad with a golden tan, and polka-dotted hair. _Man was he dreamy, _she thought. His eyes like crimson pools, his arms like shriveled string beans, his chest…oh gods the way his chest seemed to cave inward, the way his forehead sloped like a Neanderthal's…..

" NAKAMI NOTSAKURA YAMAHAMITUSBISHISONY NINTENDOJAP!" Mr. Dennison snapped, eyes squinted like a hawk. " THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DOZING OFF! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I MUST BE OUT OF NICOTINE GUM!!" Nakami rolled her eyes and went back to sleep, which was easy for her because she was narcoleptic. When she woke up again, fifteen minutes later, the sexy boy next to her was gone. He was so dreamy it turned out he was actually a figment of her imagination. She sighed, and wondered if guys like that really existed.

,The bell rang, because it was an early out and the classes wered only 20 minutes long. She scrambled to pick up her books with only one stump of an arm, bending and grappling the edges with the furrows of flesh still left behind. Suddenly, she saw a shadow looming overhead. She looked up. Standing there before her was Adolf Hitler Jr, the sexiest boy in school.

"Hey," he said in his velvety seductive helium voice. Nakami was speechless; never had a boy this attractive spoken to her. He stood six feet, clad every inch in metal-studded leather that simply stunk of cool. Or smoke, or cheese, or skunk. She struggled to find words adequate to describe the churning miasma of emotions boiling within her head. Right as she began to choke out a reply, he walked away, distracted by a floating piece of string two hundred yards away in the courtyard. " PRETTY STRING!" She heard him say, flapping his arms like chick's tentative steps into the world. Nakami stared at him, hot tears trickling her cheeks. Two dream boys had come and gone within half an hour of each other. She gathered her books, and beat a hasty retreat to the girl's bathroom with her crying stall in mind. She figured she'd have to make a long appointment today.

Ever since she was a child she never understood why no one would be her companion; was it because she was so different? Is a human measured in the number of their arms? Memories came roaring back from dark days she thought she had forgotten. She saw herself, young and naïve, frolicking in a summer field, butterflies wheeling at her fingertips. And then came a storm, dark clouds blotting out youth's happy sun. And when the storm left it took her right arm with it, leaving nothing but a bloody stump and a lifetime of pain. Suddenly she remembered a song; a beautiful melody she had written years ago, when in one tearful moment she took her sorrows and wrought it into words.

She closed her eyes, and like an old friend returning, the melody came spilling out of her lips. Suddenly the room began to quake, and fill with blinding light. She screamed, and threw her stump over her eyes, cowing before the presence that had just materialized. With her stump cast up as a visor, she took a slow step toward the light. At its center was the toilet where she had just been seated. She gasped when she saw a long appendage immersed in the water. It was her old arm, as small and white as she remembered it. It even had the bead bracelet her grandma had placed on her wrist. She wondered if this was another dream, and if the arm would be the third thing to deceive her today. She stooped down, and reached toward it. Suddenly a tongue of water lashed up and tackled her to the ground. Before she could claw to her feet a swirling black vortex emerged around the toilet. She felt her body being drawn in, like a tiny comet being pulled into a star. She tried to scream for help, but as she opened her mouth the darkness swallowed her, and then there was nothing but void.

Chapter Two. Through the Visual Refractive Surface.

When Nakami pulled her groggy eyelids open, she found herself sprawled out across a summer field.

As she stood up and rubbed her eyes, she glimpsed the field running forever. A blanket of golden flowers, swaying softly in the wind, exploded in all directions, broken only by the thicket of trees some three hundred yards away. A thin finger of smoke crept up the deep blue sky; beneath it she saw a thatched cottage no bigger than a tool shed. _I wonder who lives there…_she thought as she set off towards it. _I hungry. They give me food!_

And then she was at the door. _That was fast!_ She thought, then shrugged and knocked on the worn oak. A few seconds passed and she heard frantic footsteps form within the cottage.

"Who's there?" a raspy voice asked from behind the threshold.

"MY NAME IS NAKAMI YAMAHAMITSUBISHININTENDOSONYJAP!" she bellowed as she beat her stump against the wood "I WILL HAV EAT OR DOWN BREAK DOOR I WILL."

A grizzled voice gave a grizzled laugh, and suddenly Nakami felt a shiver crawl up her spine. The voice…it was so familiar.

" I see that you have returned to this realm! After sooooooooooo long we've been expecting you!" The voice said with a cackle like a dying fire.

Nakami took a step back. Something behind the door was glowing; she could see slats of white light pour through the cracks of the door. With a sharp bang the door unraveled in a storm of wood fragments, and hulking over the wreckage was something she had seen once before.

Teetering on trombone legs projecting from his ears was a ruddy brown bag of organic mass, riddled with eyes and studded with hands dangling down like a grisly mobile. From its hands opened gaping dumb mouths, lined with razor-sharp teeth and stained with blood. The great mass buckled inward, and then with a horrible belch vomited forth a human arm from one of its mouths. Nakami screamed when the thing bobbed into view. A beaded bracelet was wrapped around the wrist….

" OH MY GOD! WHAT AN UGLY BRACELET! WHAT A FUCKING UGLY ARM OH MY GOD WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT I JUST WANNA TAKE THE THING AND….oh wait it's mine." She said, her face turning crimson at the sight.

" FOOL! I'M GOING TO BITCH SLAP WITH IT!"

" DON'T USE THAT WORD!!" She said, roaring at the top of her lungs.

Energy exploded within her…unnecessary swearing opened up a fountain of anger that flooded every vessel and every limb, every fiber of her being. She hunched low and darted forward, hurtling like a beast, snarling and snorting unintelligible Jersey slang beneath her breath. She swung her shoulders and barreled into the monster. It screamed, tottering off its balance, collapsing in a pile of splinters. Nakami kept running. Surrounded by the unfamiliar house, her eyes scanned the environment for anything of use, until they fell squarely on a bright orange chainsaw, its jagged teeth sharpened, resting in an aura of red fire place light that encircled it like a divine halo. Her eyes widened, and as she took the chainsaw and revved it up a slow smile spread across her face. The demon monster's fleshy brown bag became white and pale at the sight.

"lets see how _handy_ you are with that thing" the monster said with a wide toothy grin. Nakami charged him. Chainsaw held high in the air balanced perfectly on her stump. It took just one mighty stroke and the arm arced lazily into the air, a comets tail of blood behind it and landed neatly…onto the chainsaw…

"SHIT!!" Nakami yelled as she watched her arm, the arm she had longed for be ground into hamburger. "ILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP HARD!!" Nakami screamed as she turned to the monster, eyes like burning coals.

Will Nakami kill the monster? Will she get her arm back? Will Hitler JR. EVER RETURN HER CALLS!! STAY TUNED!!

Chapter 3 The Champ of Damp

Nakami lunged at the monster like an armless girl with a chainsaw while scraming like an armless girl with a chinsaw. She plunged the whiring blade deep into the creature's bowels, prying it free, dripping of blood and poopy. Hands and eyes flew into the air dripping blood as if the monster's stomach had menstruated all over the floor.

"Remember kids, always wear protection," Nakami muttered as she wrapped the blade in the monster's intestines. The monster hurtled its portly brown mass. She turned on her heel, throwing herself in barrel roll that carried her in-between the creature's legs. As she rolled she swung the chainsaw shrieking into the knees. The monster fell legless, howling, hot splashes of blood spilling onto the floor. Nakami rose her feet and watched the monster kick and pitch in a surf of gore, weakly whimpering, keeling from side to side like a turtle trying to get up. Nakami gave a wicked grin as her gaze naturally glazed over to its asshole, a crust of shit like a tree ring clinging tight to the dark-pink muscle. It was exactly 3 inches wide; she knew. She had measured this before. And now here she was in a situation she had seen a thousand times. What happened next came instinctively.

Revving up the chainsaw, she swaggered to him, the chainsaw tucked low at her hip, sized up for the blow. Then, with a practiced thrust she gave as if putting a key into a lock, she doubled forward and plunged the whirring blade deep into the fleshy orifice. The monster screamed; louder than the chainsaw and louder than Nakami's freakish schoolgirl giggles as its asshole collapsed inward and fountained blood across the floor.

With one last tourtured yelp, the monster's vast frame stiffened for a moment then toppeled into a pool of its own shit streaked blood and lie motionless. Nakami wiped the beads of sweat and the ropes of blood from her forehead. She hadn't had that much fun in a long time. The bloody soup that had once been her arm lay before her. She kneels into the miasma and takes a handful and grinds it into her stump as if to reattach it through force of will alone. She tries and tries again to make the clumps of meat graft themselves onto her arm, but her attempts are futile. Throwing herself to the ground, she begins to wail like a whale. Oh, how she had longed to be reunited with her lost limb. The countless dreams of benchpressing things and patting her head while rubbing her tummy

layed in pieces before her.

She stared at the mangled mound and tears bobbed up at her eyes. Somewhere a violin was playing, singing its sorrowful song into the sunset, composing her anguish into the night. And as if time itself had slowed its course, she felt the hot rush of feces strike the bottom of her pants, lashing them out like the whips of hell, settling in the bottom like rocks at the bottom of the ocean. Lifeless, destined to remain there for eternity, a foul scent trailing up and scorching of her nostrils.

" PICKLES!!" She howled like a demon awakened from its slumber by the odious scent of shitty britches. Into the cookie went her the remains of her arm, and with a heavy heart and heavier pants she trudged over the corpse and its sundered asshole, continued out the door, and trekked out into the forest, alone except for the aroma that enveloped her like a shroud.

Countless hours she walked in the dark arbor3eal glens. As she crossed a stream she heard a damp squishing sound in the undergrowth. Her heart began to beatle as she sang hey JEWd. Out of the forest materialized two striking young lases enveloped in a poopy shit shell of fecal dung. On their arms they wore red arm bands that bore the mark of the nazi!.

"Vhat ez ues dozing vaking vou va vorest!!" the first one yelled

Nakami couldn't think of a reply. She collapsed into the dirt.

"Arz ues the jew" the other one asked

" Uf curz shay eez! Luke! Shay unly ha zoon urm! Shay prooobly loost it bacuz shay woz landing touu mash maney!"

" Oaa caz shay dadn't warsh her hands enuff! Keel da unsaitory batch!"

" Nigga!"

Nakami tired to lift herself from the dirt but the smell of the poop armour overpowered her. She was helpless as the first poop nazi decended upon her and plunged her hand between her legs, grappling the thick disc of flaccid flesh that hung over the asshole like a shroud. With a determined grunt, she pried the glory hole wide open.

AND THEN FUCKING SPIRITS CAME OUT LIKE IN RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! They screamed and wailed and circled above the Nazis, intangible ghosts. The Nazis looked, and their faces dissolved like chocolate in a microwave and they dead, deader than a promiscuous black man in a horror movie, deader than a beluga whale's erection, deader than a preacher's fart, deader the last cell of the last liver of the last man on the planet of alcohol. But Nakami kept her eyes bolted shut; this shit happened to her every time she took her tampon out. "DA DA DA DAAAAAAA DA DA DAAAA DA DA DA DAAAAA DA DA DADADA" Nakiami said, as she sung the Indiana jones theme. The combination of her singing and the sound of the wind escaping her asshole sounded as sweet as the London Symphony Orchestra. The demons called by the kick ass tune promptly plunged back into the yawning sink whole from which they came.

The Nazis in their last moments pulled out of their assholes horns made of horn. They cupped them to their lips and with mighty puff blew into them. A resonateing blast shook the very fabric of space and time. Almost immeadiatly the sky darkened, and the wind howled through the trees. Lighning flashed and thunder roared as a dark vortex appeared swirling in a mass of black clouds. And then as though the asshole of god himself was puckering open to discharge into the mouth of mother earth, a great space streatched and vague shapes appeared in the void. Two incandescent skeletons bore a third like a crippled child, and holding him between them they descended to the ground. Only when they were close, and when the brilliant aura around them faded, Sakura could see them for what they really were. Two jewish angels, swarthy and with long beards, those weird jewish hats over yarmulkes, their togas gleaming with the star with of David. They held menoras, borrowed money, bagels, and crooked noses between their free hands. And clutched tight between them was something muscular, something Sakura had never seen. It was Adolf Hitler, ripped, oiled-up, and nude save the swastika-emblazoned loincloth that hid dark secrets behind it.

"hHitler, I knew you were in jew heaven all along!" Sakura yelled as she stared up at the shining body of the Furere. Jews are slef hateing so in jewdom it is a virtue to to kill a jew"

"823479 t28u\90hguc2hn0894uht 423098jfhfucirhjrdrf75465rhyuhkit89t5y5hfdjkg8y54hrjrfuyt5yu" Hitler screamed in calm retaliation."I have never before met an asshole as wide, or a flow as powerful and yours, perhaps u r my worthy adversary!

As Hitler reached the ground he snaped off his loian cloth and threw it to one of his waiting jewish sex slaves. Sakura gasped, it was sooo hugeQQQQ until she noticed that it had a magnifying glass attached to make it look bigger. With one precise swipe of her hand sakura adjusted the sun so it blazed directly into the maginifying glass. Hitler screamed and gurgled as his hard 3 cubic cm became 3ml against the white hot rays

"YOU BITCH!!" Hitler yelled in pain "YOU SHALL PAY FOR WHATR YOU HAV DONE!! LOL FROFLCOPTER POWER!!" Hitler roared with bared fists and clenched teeth. He pitched his head back, and in one slick motion cartwheeled into the air. As his asshole aligned with Sakura's mouth the muscles squirmed outward, and out flew a Froflcopter, a helicopter manned and made of falafels. " Muhammad jihad! Durka durka durka durka durka durka durka durka allahback girl!" They bawled as they hurtled toward Sakura's gaping wide mouth. The helicopter idled over her mouth. A falafel officer barked an order, and his men obeyed. Hundreds of dark rope unfurled like snakes down her throat, and following them was a platoon of trained paramilitary falafel commando special forces green berets who scrambled down the lining of her throat, spraying her innards with submachine mire as they descended. Sakura snapped her jaws and down went a squad of falafels. She reared up, and before the Froflcopter could made its escape she sunk her fangs, which she now has because the plot requires it, into their golden-brown goodness. A hundred falafels became widows as she downed them screaming down and flailing down her insatiable maw down.

"Hitler sensing defeat must call into action the immortal falafels." Hitler narrated as he applied jewish power ranger bandaids to his quivering liqud stupmo. His asshole contracted once more and issued forth a raging river of shit, and on this river sailed mightly falafel battleshipa and aircraft carriers. The battleships fired volleys of cheese puffs at sakura while the aircraft carriers launched airplanes made of chunky shit. Sakura knew what to do she practiced for this moment her whole life, oh btw I forgot to mention that I have magical powers. With one great push asshole she birthed a shit so powerful and with such untamed savagery that it shot out at almost the speed of light. When it hit Stalin it hit him with such force that he was rocketed back to 1901. He crashed into the nonexistent empire state building and said in a loud voice so all could hear " I LOVING FUCK PATRICK SWAYZEE!" The horseless carrigaes around him winked and said "Well that explains a lot"

Sakura breathed heavily and massaged the inflamed fist-sized ring that was now her cornhole. " I NEED VIAGRA!" SHE SCfreamed in pain as somewhere somehow at sometime Fict6ionpress grew larger and into the turning moon of the ancient desert wheeled the naked cactus pressed and flaming as if a lover's embrace moiling and burning and salty and delicious into the heart of hell Hrothgar hrothgar hroghtarh Spartacus 2000 coming this fall IN 235D!

She was continuing IN HER Walk. WHEN SUDDENly. A BiG WOmEN apPQUERED IN FROnt of Her. " girl YOU'RE LIKE A HORSE!" She snapped, and Sakura NOTNAKAMI asked why. " I DON'T know. Cause you got fig beet!"

Then the woman exploded into a million big pieces bigger than herself, seeming to defy the law of conservation of mass.

As she walked farther down the dark path another big wamen appeared in front of her. She was old and had lover spots shaped like vaginas all over her sagging skin. She wore a victoria's secret wonderbra around her ankles to support her immensly sagging breasts. And on her hips she wore a thong that exposed her fluid pale buttocks that sagged to her ankles like a dress.

"I see you!" The woman yelled as she tredged closer "I see that you hav only one arm! I can help u restore it, but first you must pass the three test of Dr. Chicago!!

" He hails from the shitty of Chicago, but he can be found in great shitties everywhere. New York Shitty, Kansas Shitty, Los Angeles…..Shitty. He can also be found in the hut that way…shitty. Prepare yourself! No one, and I mean no one, and by that I mean someone but not anyone, has passed the trials of Dr. ChicaggggggggggggggggggggO!!"

Sakura swore, and stamped down another dead branch. A few footsteps from the old woman was nothing but tangled wilderness: reaching brown tree limbs, gnarled tree trunks, knotted DEMON ROOts, and bushels of leaves. She made her way 5 long treacherous meters and stood infront of a primitive hut. Outside various animal skins hung limply from tree branches and a dilapidated pink flamingo was bolted into the gound. She reached the house and died as siafu raped her.

Nakami Notsakura knocked on the door and the door flew open; standing there was a juicy sight, a meaty sight, a salty sugary vegetably delicious sight that made her as hard as a fossil in heat. There Was dr. Chicago, an old toothless black man, his skin sagging almost as if to the sky, his boobs flabby and pleasing, his body overgrown with tufts of greyness like the mangy heads of old schnauzers. OTTO! He wore nothing save anime kitty ears and a banana hammock with a smily face on the tip, along with the inscription " Thank you cum again!" He grinned, and an aria not unlike Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers whistled through the gap in his teeth.

He settled his bear-like paws on her shoulders and Nakami Notsakurawhothehellissakura shuddered in fear.

" WHY YOU WEAK? HE GOT YOUR BACK DON'T YOU KNOW!" He said, waving a crusty claw of a finger in the direction of a portly porcelain lawn gnome overgrown with vines and a dark crusty scablike substance that made Nakami shudder again. " OBAMA WOULDN'T SHUDDER! HE STOOD RIGHT HERE AT THIS BUS STOP!!" HE SAID, POIting to the ground. " And he was not afraid!"

" But I am afraid! You're grody!" Nakami notsakuratheresthatnameagainareyoualrightsireitslikeyouretalkingaboutaghost felt the foreshadowing of feces tickle the inside of her sphincter. " Stay away or things will happen!"

" YES, YES THEY WILL. THE MOON WILL TURN. THE SUN WILL BURN. THE EARTH WILL GROW COLD AND HURTLE MARBLELIKE INTO THE ENDLESS DUSK OF UNFORGIVING SPACE. BUT OBAMA WILL BURN LIKE THE FAIRY LIGHTPOST OF JUSTICE AND UNTO A NEW AGE WILL ISSUE FORTH FROM THE CREST OF HIS EYEBROWS! WHERE ARE MY ANTIPSYCHOTICS? MAYBE OBAMA TOOK HIM! I HATE OBAMA NOW! HEIL HITLER!"

" Hitler's dead. If you wanna talk with him, try looking him up under SWAYZE in the phonebook."

" You asswhole! Roadhose sucked! I saw that movie in 3d and Patrick Swayze came out and kicked in me teeth. BUT OBAMA DON'T SUCK NOTTIN BY THE BUTTHOLE OF JUSTICE, NUTTIN BUT THE BOTTLE OF HOLINESS, NUTTIN BUT THE RIPE, JUICY TEAT OF INGRATIATION!"

"Anyway…." Nakami said "I have come to u on a mission, I needed 2 be ARMED. I want my prine ARMING. You have the supply for my DEHAND. I don't mean this to be a false alARM."

" Yes, and truly it is all PUN and games until someone loses a FRY! That'll be sixteen thirty-two please!" Robert said to a customer, breaking free of his daydreams. They snapped back together in seconds." Alright, NAKAMI NOTSAKURASERIOUSLYWHOTHEFUCKISSAKURAIFYOUMENTIONITONEMORETIMEIMGONNACALLTHEFUCKINGCOPSANDHAVEYOUPUTAWAYYOURLYINGSONFOABITCH. Are you prepared for the trials of DR. CHICANO!"

Sakura nodded.

" Yes I am! I've been training my entire lunch break for this minute!" Robert said screaming and nude to a customer. "

"The horrible menacing, bad, mad, chad, glad, fad, bad, cleaning pad so mom won't get mad trial of dr. Chicago is….can u dig it!!" Dr. Chicago said as he was hippin and a hopping and a bippin and a boppin about his pimpleicious abode. "beating me at a rousing good game of soggy biscuit!" Dr. Chicago said, his eyes gliding like the hunter swans of early morning, shimmying across the crystals waters of the Loire, a thousand shimmering veils brighter than aurora but softer than a mother's kiss and then…um, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Dr. Chicago! His eyes glided over to the mangled stump of flesh, wrapped waxy and charred red over the candlestick of jagged bleached bone. In her hand was clumped the fat-marbled, blood-streaked hunk of gristle that had once been an appendage. Dr. Chicago drew a small smile like a medieval window opening to dump shit out onto the street below. " Looks like we might have a problem with that! No matter…" He said, and the muscles in his arms spiderwebbed out, taut and angry, and the air began to ripple as a disturbance slithered its skin. A hideous shriek rang out into the woods as space began to fold in great gaps, energy funneling through the rents, oily pools of glimmering light swarming around the doctor's hands and Sakura's stump. Sakura watched with wide eyes as the force began to coagulate around her groin. The rogue clumps of mangled meat clenched tight in her hand broke free and sailed loose; then it began to swirl. Slowly, then quickly it orbited her groin like a sirocco of asteroids gripped tight in the sun's inexorable grasp. The meat smacked and hurtled together, slurping and lurching as they coalesced into a quivering mass right in front of her. Sakura watched in awestruck awe as the bloody cloud that had one been her hand twisted into a plump, detumescent phallus sprouting like an outstretched hand from the pit of her groin.

' OMG I CAN HAZ DICK!" Said a lolcat that just appeared, and then was absorbed by invisible gravitational tendrils that sucked the cat into the birthing penis and made it one with the meat. Trees, grass, drit and every other nearby object was sucked into the throbbing frankendick. Nakami gazed at her prodigious member, she was well endowed, it must have been a black cat the was sucked into the fleshtower. "I HAVE THE DICK BUT I DON'T HAVE THE MASTURBATING HAND!! Nakami yelled "HAVE U EVER TRIED TO JERK OFF WITH YOUR OFF HAND!!"

"YOU GOD FOR NOTHING PUSSY!!" some new yourker sckreamed and the fight was on. The referee carefully placed the freshly baked buiscuit in the center of the arena as the crowd roared with excitement. Sakura seized her handle and began to jerk; across the arena she stared with nervous eyes at the burgeoning Sears Tower (His name is Dr. Chicago…his dick is the sears tower…get it?)unfurled thick and spindly like the shit-brown finger of ET, curling toward Sakura's heart as if to impale it. Soon, if she wasn't fast enough, there would be a glowing milky white orb at the end of the finger, just like in ET. Only this time it wouldn't be greeted by sappy romantic bullshit music. Sakura's hands turned raw and red and blistered as she throttled her dick, up and down, side to side, back to the past and forward to the future she handrode the monster. Her meat loins roared and she felt the gob of thickness thickened through her thick pole. She gasped. It was almost out. Across the arena Dr. Chicago wailed and threw his head back in orgasm; that was when she realized that it was female orgasm he was attaining.

" Shit! Wrong genitalia!" He screamed and the battle was Sakura's. Like of dove of peace being released from the cage of injustice the mottled ghost splurted from her puckered urethra onto the biscuit. It landed with a splosh….the splosh of sweet sweet victory. Dr. Chicago let out a wimper as he lifted the cream covered biscuit to his lips, he opened his mouth and like an ship to a harbor and the drenched roll entered. The taste of lollipop rainbows filled his mouth as he chewed and a jet of rushing hot warmth resounded through every fiber of his being, it was like a "white" Christmas. He swallowed and Sakura grinned at him "Chew before you swallow bitch" she said as she punched him triumphantly in the head shattering it revealing the head of none other than the most excellent and dignified JOHN MCCAIN DUH DUH DUNNNNN. \

"You have freed me from this horrible liberal prision, I am eternally greatful and shall grant you one wish." Mccain said as he stripped off his boxers, revealing a huge American flag that was left there by neil Armstrong and buzz aldrin.

"I wish you'd put your clothes back on" Nakami said as she covered her eyes "your craggy, saggy, flaggy skin is hurting me" Sakura said, rubbing her eyes. With infinite wisdom, with infinite majesty, and with that adorable erotic charm only an old man could muster, John Mccain winked at her and spoke in a low voice.

" My child, as you have wished, so shall I obey." And then he stood clothed……in her prom dress. Sakura gasped and wondered where he had gotten her G-string from. But her questions were stopped, because a piano came from heaven and made her into a stain.

Robert sat, his arms bound behind back in a straitjacket, beating his head against the padded cell wall, screaming and foaming and thrashing his legs.

" I am Nakami Sakura! I am anime princess! My balls hurt! My balls hurt!"

Fin.

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